i love the feeling of creating, through writing and performing. i love that zing!
my decision was a huge step for me. very 'self' affirming. like i finally decided my life was worth following my dream.
side note on "following your dream", DO IT! whatever that dream is, you were put on this earth to have that dream and to follow it. it really doesn't matter if you achieve that dream. really. the point of being alive is to know what you want, and strive to make it happen. that's it. all the 'stuff' that happens while you figure it out, while you strive, while you succeed/fail/etc ... that IS life.
in some ways, i've only come alive in the past two years, while "following my dream". and at this point, a career in comedy is not my dream anymore. and i'm thrilled for the experience.
but something i've learned along the way is kind of a dirty little secret about "show business". and that's the subject of today's blog entry. show business is all about being popular and cool. those actors on TV, in movies, in commercials... those rap stars, those pop musicians... they just want to be popular. and they are! they're really good at it.
remember those popular kids in high school, they were good at it too. well the big stars in "show biz" are even more popular. they're so good at being cool and interesting, they've got millions of people dying to download everything about them. that's good.
show biz is about being cool. and people go into it for one reason, they want to be cool too. (replace cool with whatever word you want... urban dictionary: cool)
once they get there, they may discover it's not for them. or that the trappings of celebrity are much worse than anyone warned them. or that they really just like acting as an art. and those folks end up acting in smaller theaters, or playing music out of the limelight.
i'm not saying that all performers are in it for the fame. i'd say the opposite. that MOST artists (visual, music, theater/acting) are doing it because they have to, they're drawn to, it's the only thing that feels right. but all of them know this story, somewhere in their hearts.
my other point, which i had to learn through experience, is that comedians have difficult careers. making people laugh (telling people uncomfortable truth) is a difficult life nowadays. some comedians make shitloads of money (a very small number). but all of them, if that's they're source of income, work their asses off for it.
but that's ok. because as i said ... they're drawn to it. it's the only thing that feels right. they have to. i learned (by following my dream.. do it!) that i don't have to. i'm drawn to a lot of things. but i'm not drawn to comedy enough to live for it.
Did someone run thru the streets of Beijing screaming "they love this shit in America! Well be rich!"
Is this the stand up sad chinese violin gold rush? It just makes me sad. Like someone selling typewriters next to a Mac store. Ok that's a little less sad. More weird than sad
Maybe that's the point. Maybe some old Chinese dudes were sitting around (stoned) thinking of ways to make cash
Everyone will think it's so spiritual and ancient. And they'll feel so bad for us because it's obviously not good music. Well make a bundle.
Mission accomplished. Sorta. I didn't tip the guy
now you say, ah, you must be...
at a bachelor party in Reno with 20 friends
on a surf safari in indonesia
touring every football game in the country as part of a story you're doing for Playboy
i'm the daddy of two sweet little cool kids. and this is the first time since becoming a dad where every moment feels precious and awesome. i don't want it to change. but i'm constantly aware that it has to.
for years i could wait for the little baby to grow up. people would stop me on the street with "don't they grow up so fast?" i'd reply "no" and walk away.
but now i'm here. they're not growing up fast, but they grew up to this current state and it's sheer bliss. i'm so interested and fascinated by them. and we play. really fun play. like lay on the ground, nothing else matters, play. and i look at their bodies and i see them getting bigger. i know where it's going.
it's kind of a strange thing about being a parent. it's a little unfair to them. they have the most pure and innocent ideas about life and what will happen next.
i don't know what will happen, but i'll bet i won't be their favorite person in a few years. i'll be i'll be an annoyance. i feel a little bad knowing something they don't. like i'm cheating on them. because otherwise, we're completely trustworthy with each other. i could see one of them saying "you knew this would happen? you fucker. i'll never trust you again!"
maybe they will
but i'm just gonna soak every moment i can out of this part. it's all i have. the present. it's all any of us have.
good news... i discovered some silly thoughts in the basement of my brain while i was cleaned out. it explains my whole problem. i thought, and this is going back to 16 yr old dr. glitt, that "natural" was the best way to live. (ok so far) and "natural" meant no stimulants, no drugs, nothing artificial added to my body. exercise, vegetarian diet, sleep, everything in moderation (even the occasional ciggy) was ok. and this combo would lead to a healthy body, healthy spirit, healthy outlook and more success everywhere in life.
ok. i was an intense kid. i don't know about you, but i wanna go back and just hug that kid.
its not a bad plan right? but caffeine (and this is the big picture) has been tough for me to integrate into my life because i have this deep (old) story that i'm better/healthier without it. that caffeine is a PED and i can make it just fine in life without them.
i didn't start using caffeine til my early 30s, so i was doing fine without them. adding them feels like an admission of failure... of diminishing returns... that the kids today are just too quick for my withering flesh.
again, i wanna go hug that guy. by "that guy" i mean me a week ago.
then a couple of things happened.
1. i remembered that life is a gift, and feeling good is a blessing.
2. animals are enhanced by the plants they live around
point #1 - i have a friend who survived childhood cancer. she never thinks like "last week me" does. she tries to enjoy life and feel good. she doesn't trip on that most-healthy-existence-in-the-world shit. and then her brother died, and that rocked me/us again. doc, chill out.
point #2 - caffeine, amphetamines (nice ones, not crank), weed, mushrooms... all of them make our lives more enhanced. bring us places we wouldn't have gone without them.
so if i can manage the use, i'm gonna have more success. a more full life. i'm gonna soar. gonna fly now!
btw i hear sly was coked to the gills in that scene
i never needed caffeine. glitter medical school... glitter residency... glitter grave yard job.
then i had a kid. suddenly, i needed a boost. just once in a while, to get me over the top.
first came the mild side effects; insomnia and eczema on my cheeks (all four!)
then came the more significant ones. like SVT a.k.a. palpitations, where your heart skips a beat or two every minute
i've quit before. i stopped having coffee ice cream at night when i noticed that i needed ambien to get to bed. fueled a great blog though!
i switched from espresso to black tea when i noticed my ass was burning 24/7.
actually i feel kinda bad to say i'm "quitting", when it's just black tea. like when Chappelle gets booed for trying to quit weed in Half Baked.
but i gotta do it. because i'm addicted. i feel it. i can't wait for 'tea time'. i get all chatty and high just getting the shit ready. and then i'm all happy and productive and super-crazy "positive" for hours. and then i'm so-so. and then i'm beat, old and dead.
i love the high part, but i can't stand the comedown. and i have to take benadryl every night to get a good sleep. so i'm taking the month of August off!
8 days already. so far the worst part was today. man that Monday shit ain't fair. i am not a whistling, happy, cog-in-the-wheel of humanity on Monday without my fix.
the best part, i'm sleeping like a baby and dreaming like i'm on acid. the other night i had this vivid (and i mean fucking vivid) dream that my cousin (who's also my only reader) played me this dope new song. and it was Black Cow! and in the dream, i sat there hearing it for the first time. i remember thinking, i gotta remember this song. thanks cuz.