6/24/2011

Watching "Braveheart" on ambien

they just raped his girlfriend/fiance.  causing his escape, but her capture.  while he was away, her throat was cut by the english nobleman in the land.
which was shamefully stupid on his part.  they owned the right of prima nocta.  why kill her when we was about to get married?  and she was hot?  wait a week and you can roll gangsta on the highland philly.
nevertheless, she's dead and the lord is waiting for "this scrapper."
and there he comes... down main street.
it's not really a street. morelike mud with some houses around in no particular arrangement.  but he's gangsta and they're amused.
oooh, he's unarmed.  he's got his hands behind his neck riding a horse.
or so they thought!
knife behind back trick!
first brit gets a stick to the head
2nd brit gets weird branch into his neck
3rd brit gets his leg cut off
4th beaten todeath with a heavy hammer
then a riot  starts.  wallace throws people off the fort towers.  brits get stabbed and clubbed.  nobleman is
surrounded.  the unceremoniously slice his throat.

pretty real feeling.  you can really imagine any random group of people, getting that scraggly and desperate, fighting like that.  it's a nice feeling to know that we can all be so united and virile.  nice how so many of the fighters are older than me.  phew!

sad.

ooops, the shower's been on.
damn,allthehotwaters gone

6/22/2011

when you hear the word sex, think 'anaconda'

i'm having way too much sex lately.  my wife's horny.  and she's hot.  so i can't say no.

well, i suppose i could say no.  but the pride starts rising inside me.  then the self-shit talk "what, you can't have sex!  what an old bitch you are."

but i'm realizing an uncomfortable truth about me.  i'm no porn-star god who can just fuck all day and night.  maybe i could, with the right combo of drugs.  but i just don't want to.

when it comes to sex, i'm like an anaconda.  i want to digest my meal slowly.  over a few days.  then i'm hungry again.

6/21/2011

Latest sign of the pending apocolypse

This guy committed a crime just to get to prison.  "Three hots and a cot" as they say.

What this guy doesn't know is that every County Hospital in the U.S. will take care of you, free of cost.  You may wait a while, but you'll get expert medical care FOR FREE, just for being in this country.  They don't tell you that during the big health care debate.

It's gettin stranger.  I really think it is.

Props to Dr. Evil for sending this to me.

6/16/2011

Apparently, I messed up

I was in the drug store. And I had some terrible gas. And I just couldn't hold it. I had some pressure that needed relief.
And really, why shouldn't I pass gas in a drug store?
So I looked for an empty aisle. A quiet place to disperse my personal issue in a harmless fashion.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere two attractive, 20-something women came yapping down my aisle. I turned my back towards their path and tried to look invisible.
As they passed by, cute girl #1 said "Oh my god! Do not breathe."
I felt like I was in the principal's office waiting for a scolding. But they just kept walking. Who could blame them? I had a pretty good defense shield
Sorry girls.
Sent from a small box of light

6/13/2011

LeBron James shoots and misses. again.

according to LeBronschweiger, i'm gonna wake up tomorrow and have the same life that i had before i woke up today.  with the same personal problems i had today.

he's right.  and i'm thrilled about it.  i love my life.  a lot of people love their lives.

what he doesn't understand yet, is that i don't want his life.
i don't want to be surrounded by endless sycophants and endless money.
i don't want to be bad-mouthed in every bar, office and smartphone in the country.
i don't want to fail, year after year, at the one thing i'm good at.
and i don't want to be trapped by my own "personal problems" in a losing spiral, year after year, with no end in sight.

what i DO like, is this picture.  cracks me up.

6/03/2011

my parents make things so difficult... on ambien

i love them.  we have a good relationship.  but i feel a little bad for them.  my parents.  i feel like they're stabbing themselves in the leg with a mechanical pencil.  oooh, bummer bout that.  but it's all on purpose.  they seem to be choosing to make their lives difficult.

and of course, it freaks me out.  i keep seeing myself in their shoes in 30 years.  i'd love to see them ballin!  and they ball.  they do.  but they also tie their shoelaces together and walk through cow shit because they thought it was the quickest route through LA traffic.

ok seriously, here are 10 things my parents do that make their lives difficult.

10.  turn every TV on, to maximum volume.
the freeway is quieter than their house.  i kinda think they like this one though.  it lets them blame the noise instead of failing hearing.

9.  ordering take-out. 
speaker phone on.  TVs blaring.  judgment for thick accents set to HIGH.  here's an excerpt:  "you wan white or brown rice?" "what's he saying?  what IS he saying?  i can't understand him.  why don't you spell what you're saying."

8.  visiting their grandkids. 
4 hours into visit... "ok, what are we doing?" ... then check for earlier flights.  then take earlier flight.

7.  recycling. 
"does plastic go in the compost?" "no, it's not a plant."
"can plastic go in the paper recycling?" "are you kidding?  do you know what the fuck you just said?"

6.  leaving the house.
mom:  "do i need a jacket?"
dad:  "what do i know, i'm catholic?"
mom:  "well, are you wearing one?"
dad:  "i don't know, what's it like outside?"
mom:  "how should i know, i haven't been.  you were just out!"
dad:  "well it might have changed, it's been a while"
mom:  "that was 45 minutes ago!"
dad:  "gimme a break.  (pause)  she's always riding me"

5.  deciding what to eat next
dad:  "you want pasta?"
mom:  "again?   that's all we eat.  you're not gonna make the sauce?"
dad:  "you don't want the sauce?"
mom:  "it takes too long and makes a mess.  how bout chicken?"
dad:  "it's so boring.  and bland"
mom:  "you could add a sauce."
dad:  "but if you wanted a sauce, i could've made the pasta with sauce."
mom:  "just make some fucking sauce, i don't care anymore."

4.  eating pot brownies at a restaurant. 
granted, this isn't easy.  but breaking into the CIA is easier than eating pot with my parents at a restaurant. 
one time my dad screamed out "oh fuck!  they're bringing me a goddamn anniversary cake!  i hate when they do that shit!"
then he scolded the waiter...
dad:  "leave the wine here!  we'll pour it.  i hate when they do that shit."
waiter:  "uh... i'm still here.  sorry you hate that so much."


irie dude.  irie.  pass the dutchie.

3.  hating people for no good reason. 
these are actual quotes...  the people to hate are the ones in italics.  i'm letting you know because it took me a while to figure out who the bad people are.  and you're new to my family.
-"i can't stand her.  she has flat teeth.  probably went to Michigan."
-"what am i gonna do, eat calcium?  and be one of those calcium eaters!"
-"you should shave that goatee.  you look like a fucking contractor."

2.  sitting on the couch for more than 0:30 seconds.
0:31  dad:  "are we chillin or are we hangin?"
0:36  dad:  "ok what are we doin next?"
0:41  dad:  "lets see if there are any earlier flights?"

1.  taking hallucinogens
0:31  dad:  "what am i supposed to do, just sit here?  that's it.  when does it get trippy?"
0:36  dad:  "Ugh!  i can't relax.  i'm so fucked.  i'm so fucked."
0:41  dad:  "this is weird"