5/27/2011

Hang in there Buster, it just gets worse from here... on ambien

picture a typical 45 year old, former athlete.  he's heavy, thin-grey hair.  and his eyes have a quiet sadness that no one talks about.  that'll be Buster Posey, on a late-night televangelist show, telling you that the "lord jesus christ, has finally saved him."

it didn't start there.  it started with an unbelievably talented rookie, playing catcher for the San Francisco Giants.  he hit 18 home runs, batted over .300, but more important, he lead them to the world series.  there he was the catcher who guided probably THE most successful pitching staff a world series has ever seen.

he's on top of the world.  now i can speciluate about what happened next... drugs, women, partying with dude.  but that didn't matter.  becuase may 25th he tore his left leg to shredds!

all that stuff is lost.  i'm just some buddies will try to drag him out for a night, in his big special wheelchair. but buster won't feel right about it.  the thrills not there.  so he goes home looking for solace, but only finds painkillers and sleep.  the sleep is the only thing that takes him away from reality... that it's over.

after a while, he gets on crutches, and starts partying.  now that's when it gets dangerous.  he hits the clubs like his coming down the thirdbase line... with a vengeance.  his posse has to pull the pipe out of his hands.  he's either gonna smoke it, or crack some skulls with it.

a suspension greats him in 2012... for use of a banned substance.  "what!  it was part of my rehab protocol"  "i didn't know what they were giving me."  sorry, you're name's not barry.

he starts taking some swings in the minors in spring '12, but he's not right.  and catching is out of the question.  so they start looking at trading him to a the AL as a DH, while he heals.  like a loan.  but in the end he just bounces around, gimpy and confused.

finally cut by the Hebrew Oilers, he returns home to the farm in Georgia.  then drops into a coma of alocholic stupor.
no longer invited to SF Giants events because the alcoholic dementia makes him shout obscenities and ogle asian women (see post) he drifts into anonymity.  all the while the devil smiling, because he once again was successful at convincing an athlete to trade their lives for one year of glory.

5/26/2011

Don't fire me... but i have an asian fetish.

i'm not saying i speak for all people, but i'm not that different from y'all either.  and i have it bad for asian chicks.


(btw, i don't know her, she's just on google page 1.)

it's kind of embarrassing.  it's like admitting i'm addicted to heroin.
then again, this asian fetish thing is so common it's like the new apple pie.  i'm so normal.
but why am i afflicted?  is because of the submissive stereotype?  if that were the case, then i'd be attracted to bunnies.

pretty easy to get in those pants.
but wait... i am attracted to bunnies!  playboy bunnies.  no seriously, put rabbit ears on most women and they become insanely gorgeous.  it's like pouring ecstasy and viagra all over me.
what's happening here?
i'm attracted to women wearing large ears because that reminds me of a submissive, helpless animal.
ok
then what about harp seals?  that is one helpless, mu'fuckin animal.
i've never seen a woman dress up like a harp seal.  and i don't think it would be hot.

that's the only picture i could find... and how ironic, an asian woman.  well, she's hot but i don't think it's the helpless harp seal on the shirt.  ok back to the drawing board.
injured women?  shouldn't they be attractive, by this same reasoning?
no.  that doesn't work either.
maybe this whole "submissive asian" stereotype (which is really just another stereotype... not true across the board, but occasionally true for some) isn't the thing that attracts me to asian women.
maybe it's just because they're women... and i am attracted to women.

nah, i think this is just chapter one, of an ongoing saga.  searching for the root of my fetish.

5/24/2011

Saxophone

I just went to a show where the band had a big horn section.  and i felt bad for all the other musicians.  sax is just way cooler.  look at it!

it looks like music. 
Branford Marsalis was right.  Early in his career he switched to playing the sax because "you could get ladies with a saxophone".
its amazing how perfect it looks and how cool it sounds.  i guess we need the other ones... the oboes, the clarinets, the trumpets.  just like we need ditch diggers.  but it's pretty clear who the coolest cat on the street is. 
i wonder if the sax makes fun of the piccolo.  probably not.  sax is too cool to make fun of others.  but i'll bet that uptight clarinet does.

5/19/2011

How to Make a Grilled Cheese... On Ambien

i know what you're thinking.  does he mean 'making it while on ambien' or 'tips for making it. oh and btw, i'm on ambien'.  the answer, i don't know.

but as Philip Michael Thomas once said, "When God has blessed you as he has me, then i believe you have to pass it on."  well, god has blessed me with the ability to make grilled cheese.  but what did god bless PMT with...


(props to B. Karza for resurrecting this)  but i digress.
here's how you make a light brown, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth grilled cheese experience.

  1. choose the bread.  something traditional... wheat, white, rye.  no rolls!  no baguettes!  no raisin/walnut batards!  you need something soft that can soak up butter like a sponge and firms up with heat.
  2. choose the cheese.  i'm a sucker for the classic orange "American" sliced.  but swiss and others will do fine, if that's your thing.  no gouda!  it doesn't melt.  no brie or softies!  they melt too easily.  you'll be scooping it up like snot in kindergarten.
  3. heat the pan.  get it good and hot, about 50% of full.
  4. make the sandwich.  you need 1/4 inch of cheese.  preferably with two slices.  we'll get to why later.
  5. when the pan is hot, put 1/8 -1/4 inch slice of butter on the pan.  create a bubbly, buttery area, about the same size as your sandwich, in the center of the pan.  when the butter is almost melted, put the sandwich right on top of it.
  6. key move:  put a weight on top of the sandwich.  something about the same size as the sandwich, like a heavy mug or plate or ceramic ashtray.  whatever you got, put it on.  you need to smash this thing, a little.
  7. don't overcook, but don't check too often.
  8. when it's golden brown on one side, take it off
  9. turn the heat down to 30%
  10. put another 1/8-1/4 inch slice of butter on the pan.
  11. again... create a bubbly, buttery area, about the same size as your sandwich, in the center of the pan.  when the butter is almost melted, put the sandwich right on top of it.
  12. reapply the weight
  13. take it off when the second side is golden brown
  14. if it looks good, cut it in half and check the "cheese slice test" (my dad patented this one, but he got blown up by aliens, see post).  when you look at the cheese oozing out, if you can't see a line between the individual slices, you NAILED it.
i dedicate this post to my father.  without him, god, and PMT, i would never have become the grilled cheese assmaster that i am today.  salud!

5/17/2011

Does that make me cool?

I was reading an article today (link) and the picture of the web developers caught my eye.



I'm wearing that shirt, on the left!  right now!  Mr. Bellay... You dress like Dr. Glitter.  and I dress like a young 20s software developer.
sorry for you, but i just got some serious self-cred.  i might even fantasize about myself.
Bellay, you're so serious looking.  rrraaww!

5/13/2011

Cats, the Pampered Predator

i'm constantly amazed that people have cats as pets.  i understand why catowners love their cats.  of course they do.  it's their pet, it's a family member.  as Harry Edwards once told me, "people can get used to anything, i just don't understand how they do it the first time."  he wasn't referring to cats, but he might as well have been.

-when a cat bites, you get an infection.  dog bites btw, rarely cause infections.  (yes, i am a doctor).
-at least 20% of humans are allergic to cats.
-cats sleep half the day
-the other half day, they're mean
-they're hunting the songbird population to extinction  (here's an interesting link)

they're basically small tigers.  they're figured out (over 2 thousand years) how to behave in order to receive endless care.

  • food, medicine, shelter
  • grooming, vacations, toys
  • people even take 2nd mortgages to pay for cat surgeries

where am i going with this?  i mean, it's pretty obvious i have to deal with a cat-pet world.  i just wish catowners were a little more objective.  c'mon.  for a minute.  i promise we won't take away your cats.
just put signs on your doors... right under "mahalo for removing your shoes", perhaps "warning, small feline predator inside"
and could you stock the house with allergy medicine?  epi-pen too.
and could you stop comparing owning cats to having children?
... i know, that last one's a big one.

5/08/2011

Checkin in with scooby-doo

That title looks fishy. Like its an obvious metaphor for weed, or taking a dump.
But fo real, I'm watching the new Scooby. Newer animation, different voices...
And even a new Velma! She's not the secret hottie we all remember. She's just straight up, sorority-girl, LA-boob job, hot.
I kinda miss how she would hide in that baggy sweater.
Oh and Fred and the anorexic red-head are an item. No subtle tension, they're just goin out
But now they bicker all the time.
I think he's cheating

Sent from a small box of light

5/06/2011

That's it! I'm outta here.

I'm not waiting for the Lakers to lose Game 4.  i'm heading to Hawaii now.
time to sort out my head, walk on the beach, remember the simple things.
come back, committed to next season.
there's something wrong with Pau.  he ain't right.  shut up man!  forget it.  quit thinkin about it.

i'm gettin on the plane, i'm hittin the beach

one thing i hope for future of basketball in this world...
i hope no one ever, ever says "she/he made the unselfish play and passed it to an open teammate."

passing the ball is neither selfish nor unselfish.  passing is part of the game.  there's 5 people out there.  finding the open person is just what you do.  and if you have a shot, you take it.  it's not unselfish to pass, nor is it selfish to shoot.

banish that comment forever!

fuck it, i'm gone

dr beach glitter

5/01/2011

American culture sucks... but it all works out in the end.

i was stuck in a hotel with nothing to do.  so i watched WAY too much tv.  like, 2 hours worth.  and what i saw scared the living hell out of me.

exhibit A - The Pencil Test
our correspondent on the scene explains...


i don't think the crowd was feeling the Love.  her i-know-how-you-feel-girls,-i'm-fat-too vibe didn't play.  but besides that, i'm kinda shocked that the Pencil Test is out there.  and that women (JLH) are embracing it.

and they're buying the Brazil Butt Lift so they can pass the Pencil Test.

what happened?  how did something so taboo (like discussing how fat a woman's ass is) become so mainstream?  to the point that JLH is explaining to an interested audience how to pass the test!

i think the answer is that we all know that stuff.  and we all know we're happier if we focus on other things.  but fuck it.  this will sell videos.

exhibit B - Insanity Workout commercials

i was watching a game with my kids, and one of those "get super ripped" ads came on.  i tried to FF thru it, but my kids said "no, no, we want to see!"  so as the images rolled past their pure eyes i said to myself (as i often do) "this is another 'bad parenting' moment."  i'm ruining them.  my daughter's going to buy the Brazil Butt Lift video.  my son's going to dump his awesome girlfriend because she won't get breast implants.  (btw they're babies, i'm just thinking into the future).  this society is awful, we should move to the mountains.  we should hike all day, and make campfires at night.

then my little boy said "that guy has 29 boobies"

now i don't want to make this a blog about cute things my kids say, but actually his comment helped.  first of all, it was funny.  nice work son.  secondly, i can't them from everything.  and i have no idea what they'll do with these images.  my job isn't to shield them, but to help them think about it and react to it consciously.

and i hardly grew up in a time of innocence and widespread enlightenment.  (see exhibit C)

Exhibit C - a way-cool friend just showed me this, from the 1980s "Solid Gold".




the points:  
american culture and the media have been drenched in sexuality for years.  
there's nothing new or inherently damaging about JLH, the Pencil Test, and booby-guy.
despite what my father says, things are actually going to be ok