1/29/2011

Snapricorn II - Aquariooops!

An update (see prior post):

The astrologer wants me to listen to the recording of my session, and decide if I still feel unsatisfied by the "reading" I received.  Subtext being, she's so confident in her work that she's betting I'll feel "complete".  Bully for her, I like the confidence.

But I ask any random human, listen to an astrological reading that ISN'T YOURS and try to convince yourself that it has useful information for you.  Go ahead!  Read the "Gemini" in today's paper (bad example, since 1 of my 2 readers is a gemini) and pretend that it's about you.  Then feel all warm inside that you got some secret insight into yourself.

IF i were able to do that, my next thought would be "what a crock of shit this astro stuff is!"

Does she really want me to do that?  Can I tell everyone else in the world?  Here goes, in headline form:

RENOWN ASTROLOGER:
"READ RANDOM HOROSCOPES AND SEE IF IT FEELS RIGHT.  IF IT DOES, THAT'S BETTER THAN YOUR TRUE HOROSCOPE."

STOCKS PLUMMET

Bikes in cross walks

That title does NOT elicit the rapid flow of blood to your genitals, I know.  But I feel this one, so I gotta tell the world... "We're doing this wrong.  Time to change the status quo."

Why do cars stop, and let me cross, when I stand next to my bike?  But if I'm sitting on the seat, one foot on the ground, they just keep rolling by.  It's the same fucking thing!



This article supports it legally.  But legal or not, C'mon.

1/26/2011

Oh Snapricorn!

Every astrologers' worst nightmare.
Right after they give you a perfect "reading" that 'totally explains me in a way that no one ever could', you both suddenly realize that the birthdate she was interpreting...  was wrong!
My "rising" sign isn't Aquarius, it's Cancer.
My "moon" isn't Scorpio, it's Libra.
And so on.

That finally happened to me.  But, I'll admit, I've been secretly wanting that for years.  Just to finally say, "See!"  The whole thing is just so damned subjective.  Our chart is really just a story, weaving together parts of human behavior.  And now I have objective proof.

Lets look at the main characteristics of each sign.
Aries - adventurous
Taurus - cool, calm, socialite
Gemini - wants to try everything
Cancer - sensitive
Leo - the fun leader
Virgo - practical
Libra - balanced, consistent
Scorpio - resilient
Sagittarius - they love life
Capricorn - achievers
Aquarius - on their own path
Pisces - gifted but confused

Don't we all have parts of each?!  Hell yea!

And don't get me started on the New Sign, Ophiuchus.


So it turns out another cornerstone of American society is based on bullshit.  But, if your birthday was 1/18/72, I'll sell you the reading I GOT for only $100 obo.  That's 200 off the original price.

1/20/2011

Ambien III - blogging is for plushies

There I was, contemplating the start of my first blog ever.  All of the thoughts (mostly insecurities) were swirling in my head (like bubble-text from a comic book) when I heard something ridiculous.  My son's doll has a blog.  His cyborg, his half-plushy/half-machine, has been blogging while I sat on the sidelines with my "issues".
It was an awkward moment as I was sketching out my first post while hanging with my son and Scout.  Tossing over ideas, phrases on a page, when the cheery word "Blog time" came-a-barking from his cute pink mouth.
I think my son can tell that I have a complex about Scout.
What will THAT do to his attempt to make sense of the world.

1/11/2011

Horrorscope Day - in honor of 1.11.11


Aries (3/21 – 4/19)
As usual, you’ll piss people off and blame them for it. But YEE-HAW, tomorrow’s another day to wreck some shit.  Have a drink, do some blow or light some candles.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20)
Go start another home business.  You’re awesome at that!  Finishing, what’s that?

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20)
Let’s face it, you’re the extra sign.  No horoscope.  Just read someone else’s and pretend that’s you.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22)
I’m sorry, does this font make you sad?  Do you need a moment?  Yea, go ahead and cry it out.  You deserve it.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22)
Your body just won’t die!  Snort up another one!  You're the life of this fucking party.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22)
Quiet down and think for a moment.  Rinse.  Repeat.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22)
You’re very good at seeing everyone’s side.  Poor fucker.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21)
Put another staple into that fingernail.  C’mon.  If you don’t, how can you really be sure you’re alive?

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21)
Isn't it trippy how there are so many 1's and 2's in your time span.  Yea... really trippy.
Freak.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19)
What are you reading horoscopes for?  You don’t need this shit!  Get to work!

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18)
Good luck.  Aquarius… yikes!

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
That warm energy that runs through your deepest soul, is the same one that connects all beings to the turning of the Earth and the breathing of the universe.  Trust it.  It is your instinct and grounding cord.  
oh yea, and don't talk to people.  they all think you're weird.

1/09/2011

Ambien Post #2 - - Economy Dissolves, People Eat Rats, blah blah blah

You know the story about how the U.S. Dollar may stop being the monetary standard for the world?  Rumor has it, that change may be coming soon.  This presentation, while boring and long, explains the basis of many of those claims.

This graph was the most evidence he game, citing that China (the biggest foreign holder of U.S currency) is divesting of it.  Perhaps soon, they won't want it.



What will this do to our lives if/when it happens?  Long story short, we become a middle of the road european country, with more breast and penis implants than all the others combined.

Some people are alarmed.  I'm sure some will attempt ANOTHER war for economic security. (Iraq 1 and 2, Afghanistan, Panama, Grenada, to name a few)

Some people want to prevent this from happening, by making their kids take Chinese in after-school classes.

"I say, let 'em crash!"

If the dollar sucks ass, lets evolve.  Lets move on somewhere else.  Lets mix it up.  I don't WANT to leave the country, but I sure don't wanna stick around eating rats for din-din just to say "i'm proud to be an american."

fuck it, where's the next boat going?

And aren't we a little embarrassed at cocktail parties (analogy... cocktail party = hanging out with people from other countries).  Like when we talk with folks about life, we're like the rich kids who only drive new BMWs and daddy's getting us into Princeton.  Being American is being privileged beyond belief.  And it feels weird for this jewish, self-loathing kid from the valley who had a El Salvadorean maid growing up.

Let's even things up.  We'll be keepin it suuuuper real.

Do I really want to move to China, learn a new language late in life, clean garbage in a dirty elementary school just to put a kid thru college in our new homeland?
Where do i sign up?
It sounds rough.  But you see people all over the bay area in that exact situation as first generation immigrants.

But remember, moving countries (either due to force or opportunity) is pretty common stuff.
How many americans are foreign born?  12%
How long ago did my ancestors get here?  my grandparents were the first born here

So moving shouldn't ever be off the table.  The same table that has rats on it.  We're nomads.  This american thing is cool, but it could be a lot cooler.  Lets keep working (and moving) til we get something really cool.

Top 10 Things about fleeing america to some other random country
10.  Good chance it's warmer
9.   It'll be easier to talk to "real" Americans, now that we're illegal aliens together
8.  You'll never have to visit Arkansas
7.  Sensitive liberal college girls in the new country will patronizingly listen to your stories and be graded on explaining your disenfranchisement during their "university" finals.
6.  By then there'll probably be an "app" for cooking rats
5.  You can finally become a drug addict guilt free.  You might even get some government aid!  In fact, wear only polyester pants, flower print shirts, and grow some crazy facial hair.  Who cares?
4.  They'll name cars after your ethnicity in your new country.
3.  three artforms die, finally:  mime, barbershop, gods eyes
2.  we can stop collecting the "quarters" from all 50 states
1.  We'll finally get away from all those canadians.

1/05/2011

Ambien post no. 1 - - Has Facebook Jumped the Shark?

 UrbanDictionary.com’s definition of “jump the shark” is:
a term to describe a moment when something that was once great has reached a point where it will now decline in quality and popularity. The origin of this phrase comes from a “Happy Days” episode where the Fonz jumped a shark on water skis.
I'm not sure thats actually when Happy Days jumped the shark, but that's totally another discussion.  These days, everyone's asking if Facebook has passed that hipster zenith.  And even though i'm barely coherent, i have a few things to say about it.


People gripe about how lame the status updates are:
"Decided to prune the fruit trees today"
"extremely tired..."
"go razorbacks!"
These are your friends just tossing some graffiti up in your face.  tag it if you want, or just walk by.  these are not conversations on the street, for better or worse, but it is human interaction in a strange new media.  why not play with it?  does the script say you're supposed to ignore this?


People complain that they'll get sucked in if they start.  "And i just don't have the time for that".  Bitch, you don't have time to take a shit if you dont MAKE the time.  so make the time for something.  anything.  make some time to create and interact.  this is the 2011 Western Middleclass's version of shooting the shit.  same thing that happened in a town square in Mexico City in 1922, just a different medium.


And people bitch about the privacy laws, like Mark Evans here, and Ron Shulkin here.  I hear you, but let's stop being naive Kay.  Who ISN'T selling your information.
Be careful.  And except that this is our world.
part of making society function better is making it more orgainized.  
it's a little tutti and natalie "you take the good you take the bad..."


maybe i'm all pollyanna?  is that how she spelled it?  would she care?  how does she feel about me spelling her name wrong?  and jerking off to pictures of her i found online?


i digress.  my main point is facebook.  it sounds like i'm a full fledged supported.  a cool-aid sippin, posterphile.  but actually i'm most alarmed by this new story... Zuckerberg named Time Man of the Year.






















the same mag that wants to get the trucks rolling on another crusade, the same mag that called the most authoritative fascists in the world their "men of the year" is now bestowing the honor on zuckerberg.


That's whats gonna affect my sleep tonight a lot more than ambien, which has really been nice i'll say.  what if Time's way off here.  they're just trying to stay relevant and hip.  fair enough... then it was a good choice.  but let's say they're right in their wheelhouse, the know this kids well and they know their readers.  then holy hamburger fuck, facebook is just the beginning  


and all you cool posters, linkers, with all your friends, you're gonna be first up on the wall... and what'll your choice be?  when mark's army moves?
1) join the resistance, eat rats, sex with michael behn and miss hearing about the cool stuff you could be doing.
2) suck mark's HDMI cable and download the secrets to humanity, even though you don't understand them.  then spend your life as a Facebot, in a constant search for more data from human slaves.


Like?

1/01/2011

first post

i finally have a blog!

doctor glitter  will be a home for unedited insights and rants.  for so long i've shared myself with the world through a filter.  even during my stand up "career" my opinions were always tempered by how the audience might hear it.

but i'm trying to create truth, which leads to art.  or maybe i'm trying to create art, which starts with truth.

either way, art and truth require risk...

  • risk to one's sense of self for sharing authentically
  • risk to oneself for what will happen to you when you share (maybe eric burak will make fun of my penis again, like he did in 1981)

there's something funny about the blog... (ok i feel a little lame here.  i mean, fuck, how many bloggers have had this same revelation in the past 10 years?)  but there's a really amazing sense of freedom and risk at the same time.  it's like anonymous public masturbation.

but the freedom and risk feels good.  so i'm going with it.

it's my latest attempt at sharing my art, and a big step towards removing my edit button, which no one seems to think i have.

special thanks to my brother, as always, for the i.t. support